Write to Say Goodbye to 'Should'
Hello Dear One,
It’s the first day we’re allowed in each other’s houses in Scotland (second by the time you receive this) and I’m sitting in my own.
I have plenty organised over the coming weeks but nothing planned today: because it’s Monday, because I’m marking exams, because I always make time to write this letter, because I hadn’t really thought about it.
However, as I took my dog to the park my anxious self spoke up. This is the voice that’s often trying to get my attention, to warn and protect me. Today she tried to assert that this absence is significant, there must be something wrong with me if I don’t immediately have a place to go.
I haven’t missed this feeling - the one I used to get on Saturday nights when I imagined everyone else having fun, even if I’d actively chosen to take time out. I feel it in my body, a jittery sensation in my stomach and chest. What it needs is an outlet.
My anxious self talks in ‘shoulds’, ‘have tos’ and ‘musts’.
I should be going out, I have to appreciate every moment, I should be making the most of things, I must want to see people.
I know these come from internalised narratives (often fabricated by companies who want to sell us things) or people-pleasing instincts which can be hard to shift. The question I’ve learnt to ask is why. Why should I?
Shoulds force us into doing things out of misplaced obligation; have tos make us resent it; musts make us feel trapped. None of these align with how I want to feel in life.
When they come up I notice, challenge and choose a way forward, once which is authentic - not forced. A friend of mind embodies this: she runs a wellness business but realised social media, which every course said she ‘should’ or ‘must’ do, didn’t make her happy. So she deleted her accounts and chose to focus on other methods of reaching clients. Her business is thriving.
If this resonates try this exercise.
I hope it helps. After my writing I said thank you to the process as it brought me clarity and peace.
We shouldn’t underestimate how unstable and uncertain we might feel right now and give ourselves compassion when we don’t feel good. We also don’t have to do everything at once. My priority is to choose joy, to come back to joy and to recognise that joy can come from unexpected places.
If a lingering should is in the way of your joy choose to write a new narrative instead.
Thanks for being here and being you.
All love,
Jo
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AND
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