Write for Radical Honesty
Hello Dear One,
I feel rested as I write to you - I’ve been on holiday since Friday, taking every opportunity to slow down. I still do things, as is my nature, but in between I nap, I read, I do restorative yoga, I watch TV. This requires me to fight against the ‘Now you have time to…’ instinct and say: not today, maybe tomorrow or perhaps I’ll shift that to next week.
My day job is teaching English, or - more specifically - encouraging teenagers to enjoy words. Usually, I love it but (as so many of us have experienced) a pandemic changes things. For too long I was speaking to black boxes on a screen, pictures of Squarebob or a family pet the only indication of a human being on the other end. I summoned enthusiasm for texts I’ve taught for several years before logging off with ‘hope that made sense’ and posting an assignment. Then, after a snap decision by the government, we spent three weeks in school teaching half-classes, all of us in masks. So, a break is needed.
As I mentioned last week, I’ve also made a decision about my future, a decision fuelled by my writing practice, by what self-compassion gives me: knowing I’ll support myself.
I’ve felt for a while now my life needs to shift. I’ve lived in Edinburgh for almost two decades and the city doesn’t make my heart sing the way it used to. It would be easy to blame this on the pandemic, but I know - because I practise radical honesty with myself - that things weren’t right before that. I can try and persuade myself otherwise: but you have a beautiful flat, a great job, lovely friends but a voice thrums: it’s not right, not right, not right.
It’s that voice I listen to, the deep inner knowing: feeling rather than facts. I tuned in to it almost a decade ago, when I decided to leave my career in PR because I simply wasn’t happy. Unsurprisingly, I never looked back.
For a while now I’ve been telling myself it’s ok to feel lost, it doesn’t matter that I don’t know what to do. Then, a few months ago, I took a tip from James Clear and started writing: what do I actually want? at the top of my notebook. The answers were quick: to write, to be around creative people, to help others and be stimulated by my work, to feel things are possible. Sounds great, I thought, but how do I get there?
The answer took a little while to surface. I’m taking a year out of teaching and, come July, will be moving back in with my parents where I hope to give Write to Thrive the space it deserves and finish my second novel. I want, for at least a little time in my life, to get up every day and write; to find out what I’m capable of.
It’s not where I expected to be at 37. But you know what? As soon as I made the decision I knew in my bones it was right. Every time my anxious self diverts back to what if what if what if I say: I’ve got this. It might be hard, but everything is going to be ok.
I call this radical honesty (with a nod to the wonderful Tara Brach) because so we’re so accustomed to telling ourselves stories about how we ‘should’ feel. To be truly honest with yourself takes courage, as it calls for change. Instead, we persuade ourselves that something which doesn’t feel right is right, because it’s convenient, comfortable, known.
If this resonates I encourage taking space to work things out on the page. Listen to yourself. Maybe you’ll have the conversation you’ve been putting off; look up somewhere new to live; brainstorm all the things you might do and see how they feel. You might not make a change today, or tomorrow and that’s ok. Just don’t ignore the part of yourself crying out for something different, that feels unseen, unfulfilled. When we shut ourselves down we perpetuate the myth that life is limited. We are limitless.
I hope it helps. Sometimes we value the big moments, the big change, the big move, the big new job, without remembering that it’s all the small moments that got us there. Taking one step in a direction you’ve chosen is powerful. Plus, we get to shift and pivot, to embrace small joys and revel in the journey.
Thanks for being here and being you.
All love,
Jo
30 DAY COURSE: My next course starts on 20th April, combining live sessions and daily prompts to help you quieten the inner critic, practice self-compassion, give space to your thoughts and nurture your goals. Find out more here.
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